I'm sure most everyone's been in a relationship. There's always the unexpected twists and turns. But what happens when those twists and turns become something toxic. Something unbearable and even unbelievable.
How do two people go from loving each other to hating each other?
And it's not during the relationship that's hard, it's after. The trying to move on, the picking up the pieces, the forgetting, the forgiving, the part when you crash and burn because of the same person who was suppose to help you back up. The realization of what's become.
How do you move on from the lonely?
You find people.
Some will become your best friends, some will be for a night, some you'll tiptoe around until they decide to give up. You want it. It's so close. You feel like this person could be the light at the end of the tunnel or whatever other inspirational crap quote you saw on Facebook that made you feel like you can move on.
But then you stop.
You remember the pain, the love, the heartbreak and those goddamn butterflies. And what do you do? You run.
That's the hardest part. Because you have nothing to run to, only something to run from. So you feed yourself the drugs, the alcohol and the one night stand. It won't make you forget forever, but I'll be damned if you don't drink enough to at least forget for the night.
I just find it funny. I've always been so ready to jump in, why not? Loving someone is fun. You get to be the core of someone's happiness and vice versa. When the feeling is mutual and you can feel it. Oh god, when you can really feel it. Ya know what I mean? Seeing each other and you both light up, there's a twinkle in their eye and you wrap your arms around each other. Anywhere can be home. If you lived in a cardboard box, it can still be home. And you get hooked. You become addicted.
But then it all goes to shit and you run.
Not to fret. You'll move on. It's inevitable. There's too many people in the world. Even if it's not completely, you'll push them off to the side long enough to open yourselft to someone. Just don't get too excited.
It's not easy. It's scary. And it fucking hurts.
No one will understand. Everyone feels differently. That's what most people don't get. You have folks that want to believe life is black and white. You're this or that. If it's not this then it must be that. Don't let these people fool you. Life has a lot of gray spots.
Life isn't simply out one way. There's a million different directions to take, the possibilities are endless. But that's a different topic.
Anyways.
You'll hear it all. "It's going to be okay". "In a few months this won't even matter". "There's plenty of fish in the sea". "He's a tool". "She's a stupid whore". "You can do better".
Well okay Debra, that sounds fine and dandy but how the fuck does this help me??
I guess I'm just disappointed. When anyone is hurting do you really think a 15 minute lecture is going to make anyone happy? Hell. No. What people need is to smile. What people need is someone who will drop everything to go sit at a bar and let you drown in alcohol. What people need is someone that will let you hurt. People need other people who are willing to sit in goddamn silence and let you cry. People don't need your advice or some bullshit pick me ups.
People should be allowed to hurt because sometimes hurting is all we're feeling but at least we're feeling something. If you push the hurt away you'll just go numb. You'll act like you don't give a shit and you're this whole new person screaming yolo and fucking up your life.
If your friends are hurt, let them hurt. But be there for them while they do it. And don't make them feel bad for feeling. Everyone needs to feel something or you could lose yourself. And I promise that's harder than losing someone else.
So how do you move on from the lonely?
Hurt. Cry. Feel. Those are what the grey areas are for.
And once you allow yourself to feel all of those things, eventually you allow yourself to feel something else. Find those friends. Appreciate their presence. And when they're done listening to you slur your words and when they're done trying to pick a part your words behind the sobs and when they've wiped the tears and tucked you into bed, say thank you. Eventually they'll hurt too. They may not get it now, but they will. They'll need you too.
When you have someone to run to, someone who allows you to feel something. You won't have to feel lonely.
