Trollnacht

I'm sure most everyone's been in a relationship. There's always the unexpected twists and turns. But what happens when those twists and turns become something toxic. Something unbearable and even unbelievable.

How do two people go from loving each other to hating each other?

And it's not during the relationship that's hard, it's after. The trying to move on, the picking up the pieces, the forgetting, the forgiving, the part when you crash and burn because of the same person who was suppose to help you back up. The realization of what's become.

How do you move on from the lonely?

You find people.

Some will become your best friends, some will be for a night, some you'll tiptoe around until they decide to give up. You want it. It's so close. You feel like this person could be the light at the end of the tunnel or whatever other  inspirational crap quote you saw on Facebook that made you feel like you can move on.

But then you stop.

You remember the pain, the love, the heartbreak and those goddamn butterflies. And what do you do? You run.

That's the hardest part. Because you have nothing to run to, only something to run from. So you feed yourself the drugs, the alcohol and the one night stand. It won't make you forget forever, but I'll be damned if you don't drink enough to at least forget for the night.

I just find it funny. I've always been so ready to jump in, why not? Loving someone is fun. You get to be the core of someone's happiness and vice versa. When the feeling is mutual and you can feel it. Oh god, when you can really feel it. Ya know what I mean? Seeing  each other and you both light up, there's a twinkle in their eye and you wrap your arms around each other. Anywhere can be home. If you lived in a cardboard box, it can still be home. And you get hooked. You become addicted.

But then  it all goes to shit and you run.

Not to fret. You'll move on. It's inevitable. There's too many people in the world. Even if it's not completely, you'll push them off to the side long enough to open yourselft to someone. Just don't get too excited.

It's not easy. It's scary. And it fucking hurts.

No one will understand. Everyone feels differently. That's what most people don't get. You have folks that want to believe life is black and white. You're this or that. If it's not this then it must be that. Don't let these people fool you. Life has a lot of gray spots.

Life isn't simply out one way. There's a million different directions to take, the possibilities are endless. But that's a different topic.

Anyways.

You'll hear it all. "It's going to be okay". "In a few months this won't even matter". "There's plenty of fish in the sea". "He's a tool". "She's a stupid whore". "You can do better".

Well okay Debra, that sounds fine and dandy but how the fuck does this help me??

I guess I'm just disappointed. When anyone is hurting do you really think a 15 minute lecture is going to make anyone happy? Hell. No. What people need is to smile. What people need is someone who will drop everything to go sit at a bar and let you drown in alcohol. What people need is someone that will let you hurt. People need other people who are willing to sit in goddamn silence and let you cry. People don't need your advice or some bullshit pick me ups.

People should be allowed to hurt because sometimes hurting is all we're feeling but at least we're feeling something. If you push the hurt away you'll just go numb. You'll act like you don't give a shit and you're this whole new person screaming yolo and fucking up your life.

If your friends are hurt, let them  hurt. But be there for them while they do it. And don't make them feel bad for feeling. Everyone needs to feel something or you could lose yourself. And I promise that's harder than losing someone else.

So how do you move on from the lonely?

Hurt. Cry. Feel. Those are what the grey areas are for.

And once you allow yourself to feel all of those things, eventually you allow yourself to feel something else. Find those friends. Appreciate their presence. And when they're done listening to you slur your words and when they're done trying to pick a part your words behind the sobs and when they've wiped the tears and tucked you into bed, say thank you. Eventually they'll hurt too. They may not get it now, but they will. They'll need you too.

When you have someone to run to, someone who allows you to feel something. You won't have to feel lonely.

She Asked to Dance, I said it's Fine.

I have always tried my hardest to live by one religion, honesty.

Honesty is something I have held very close to me.

Sometimes I'm blunt, too blunt.

I have hurt people's feelings. 

But I do what I think I should.

I say what I think people need to hear.

Things I think they deserve to hear.

What hurts more?

Finding out you were lied to later? Possibly had accepting something that was never even there?

Or hearing the truth now and accepting it and moving on?

I recently was told some news, something that is literally going to break someone.

Someone I care about very, very much. 

There is one place I cross the line..

I am a third party.

I was not told this by a direct source.

Also, this is none of my business.

Here's the hard part.

I know.

I know this bit of information that is life changing and heart breaking.

She says his name and it makes my cringe knowing his next move.

And she is completely clueless. She has no idea.

It makes my heart hurt.

I always try to put myself in someone else's shoes.

But as I look down at my feet, I don't know how to feel.

"I already look like a fool. He's telling people. He's telling people who are telling other people.

But I couldn't even whisper those words to him, I want him here. And maybe everyone else is wrong. maybe he just had a moment and told the wrong person. Maybe he still wants me here."

But lets be honest..

Someone who loves you would not and will not put you in such a situation.

Telling other people and not letting you know? Not even hinting?

He's out to break your heart, he does not love you.

I just wish people could own up to their feelings, you know?

Tell me how you feel. Tell me so I know, so I can fix it.

If you keep things bottled up inside of you, you're only lying to yourself.

You're only hurting yourself and everyone else around you.

How dare you be so selfish.

How dare you hurt someone else.

Keep their hopes up.

Keep them encouraged.

It's an outrage.

If those three words become hard to say,

it's time to let go. You can't drag them on.

You know, I know.

She has no idea.

I just ask everyone, please. Be honest.

I Wake Up Exhausted

Okay. I feel like I'm just floating.

It's a new year, I thought this would be it, ya know? New Year, a new start.

But everything's worse.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I thought this would be an easy escape from my parents and their divorce..
But it's like ever since the clock struck midnight, instead of fireworks and that over whelming feeling of bringing in the new year, my mood never shifted.
Like it just stood still.

The only feeling that stands out is indescribable.
I'm not sad, although I feel like I should be.
I'm not happy, although I feel like I should be.
I'm not mad, although I feel like I should be.
And I'm not surprise, although I feel like I should be..

No.
Instead I feel stuck.
It's like I'm not going anywhere.

Things couldn't get worse,
but could they get better?

I catch myself calling these people my friends, but do I even know them?
Do they know me?

We're so eager to catch anything that could provide us with the happiness we can't bring to ourselves.
But is that a good idea?
To depend on a stranger to fill such an overlooked yet demanding emotion?

It's instinct to only show people what you want then to see.
And that's when it gets scary.

Those pieces to the puzzle that come up missing. What do you do when you find a piece but it doesn't fit?
You can't just throw away something you've worked so hard to put together.
Do you try to make it work?
Do you keep pushing until you've forced it to fit?
Even if it doesn't make sense?
Even thought you know you'll never be satisfied with what you've created?

Those puzzle pieces, like secrets, define and create a picture you may or may not like. If you like it, you're obviously going to keep it.
But what if you don't like it?

Putting so much effort into something you end up despising makes you want to trash it anyways, simply out of frustration.
So why is it so hard to take it apart and leave?

It's natural to want to fix anything broken..
So when you can't it's natural to feel a cluster of feelings.
But at the same time, what was I expecting?

I barely know these people.
They barely know me.

Maybe it's okay to hide pieces of yourself, ya know?
Why not just accept the beautiful pieces and ignore the flaws?
You can't.
You never want to stop until you figure them out. And after ALL the effort, you have to decide to keep it or trash it.

I finished one of my puzzles..
I hate it.
So why is it so hard to throw it away?
I'm not losing anything but a fucking puzzle I can't even stand to look at.

This world, these people, all their emotions..
It's all so sick and twisted.
But for some reason I keep picking out new people.
I find their pieces, secrets are revealed and it all ends in the same downward spiral.

These people I call my "friends", always end up with hideous pieces and when you put it all together those pieces form this monster.
A person I never want to be.

So that's where I am, stuck.

I expect the pieces to turn up, I expect the pieces not to fit, I expect myself to hate the picture that will be revealed in the end.
So why do I keep forcing, bending, and twisting these pieces to fit in the way I want them to?

Because even with my low expectations, I still want to see that good in people.
I want to believe their intentions are good.
I like to pretend the devil inside doesn't exist..
And although that sounds like a positively happy perspective to have on my life and the people I choose to reside in it..
It's really not. Not when you're more wrong than right.
And when that disappointment starts growing, the more puzzles you throw away, the less "friends" you have.

No one likes to be alone.
I think that's why we bend the pieces and hesitate to trash the puzzle..

Even though you're not too fond of it, even though it hurts to look at.. At least it's there..
At least you're feeling something.
Even if you're stuck, it's something.

Pyro

So here I am, just creepin on my back porch smokin a sciggy.
I'm looking around my backyard, it's pitch black, but if you look up you can see the silhouettes of treetops creating a rigid line against the sky.

Intriguing, I know.

Anywho, I was thinking to myself.. I really can't see shit.
There could be some crazy critters or psycho serial killers just kickin it out there, ya know?
But I'm not scared. I wake up to this backyard every morning.
I find myself sitting in this same rocking chair almost everyday, in the same situation, staring at the same trees.  So why would I be scared?

I trust where I am.  I know this place.

That's when I started thinking.
Something some more people should try doing.
Anyways..

I started thinking, this is a lot like a relationship.
How you might ask? Keep reading.

I'm sure you've all found yourself in a relationship with someone where it's all rainbows and butterflies when you're together.. but once you're not it's like being in the dark.

You don't know what the other person's doing, who they're with, where they are.
It's too easy to lie these days. It's all about the trust. But everyone knows that.
No trust, no relationship.

Most people have their doubts bottled up in the back of their mind.
I do.  And I'm bad about trying to find a reason to make those worries real.
Why I do that to myself, I don't know.  But I'm working on it.

But back to my point..

When most people are afraid of the dark they turn on a light.
In a relationship everyone has their flashlight, but when do you know to turn it off?
When do you feel comfortable enough with a person to walk through the dark?
How do you know when you can trust someone enough to let them guide you even in the pitch black?

It's hard at first, always is.
But we've all done it.
I have a few times.

It's just getting to that point.
Giving someone your complete trust.
Looking someone in the eyes and being able to tell them everything.
Not worrying if it might be the truth but knowing it's the truth.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of every bad situation that could possibly happen.
Ya know, when you're by yourself and the only thing you have to do is think.
And then you find yourself thinking too much, too hard.

That's exactly what I was just doing and all of the sudden the most incredible thought I've had all night cam to mind.. to just stop.

The point is there is no way to ever know someone's every move, every thought, every conversation.
It's like one of the questions you'll never have an answer to, never a solution.
The only way to turn your flashlight off is to stop turning it on.

Trusting someone is scary. It's giving someone the potential to hurt you.

In reality everyone eventually hurts you in some sort of way, right?
It's finding the one's worth suffering for.

There are no guarantees, only risks.
But if you don't take those risks, how would you ever know?

In any situation, only oh wells and no what ifs.

Timestretch

I've never lost a close friend, but I've lost people who have made a difference in my life.  

It's amazing how little attention everyone give to some people til they pass..

People will talk about not taking life for granted for now, but in a few weeks, they won't even remember the promise they've made themselves.  It takes these incidents to make people realize how fragile our lives really are.  But until they can see the all the beauty in the world, they've learned nothing. Until you've lost someone whose appearance can change everything, you've lost nothing.  Until you can look at anything and appreciate everything about it, everyone will be taking their lives for granted.  

You must always work for a cause, not for applause.

Live life to express, not to impress.

Now just think about this..

You buy a cup of coffee.

Big bitch bumps into you.

COFFEE EVERYWHERE.

Don't lie, you're a little pissed off.

OH BUT HEY

Nice coffee man is going to give you another cup on the house.

Your morning? Totally turned around.

What if the nice coffee man wasn't there?

Did you even tell him thanks?

Better yet, did you tell him you APPRECIATE it?

Most people think they only have their friends and family to thank for how their lives have played out.  Do you know how wrong those people are?

When anybody does you a favor, put yourself in their shoes, would you do it for them?

Probably not if you all ready had to get someone else to do it for you.

Lazy ass. 

So when someone ask you to do something for them..  

Do it willingly.


When you ask someone to do something for you..
Why not a good ole' please and thank you.
What happened to manners anyways?


You know you notice when people don't say 'thank you' to you.
It pisses me the fuck off.

See, all anyone wants is to be appreciated, respected, and accepted.

I know you've all seen the "respect" everyone here has.

There is none.  People only strive off the stories behind you name.

No one takes time to get to know each other anymore.

If someone doesn't hold the proper title, there is no respect.

And you all know how it feels to be rejected.

It's probably the worst feeling in the world to be told you don't belong in someone's life.  

Who wants to feel that way? I don't.  I don't like it at all.

The least anyone could do is acknowledge and appreciate someone else's existence.

Not many people are willing to do someone a favor or give someone the time of day.. 

even if they could really use it.


Enjoy knowing you had the power to make someone smile,
you NEVER know what happens behind closed doors.


Look at me being sappy and shit.

Appreciate those who make your day a little bit easier.

I guarantee they would appreciate it too.

RIP Mike Thompson.  

A man who appreciated and did more for a community than asked.

A true inspiration and follower of God.

Hahaha.

Drunk off wine.
Fuck deep thoughts.
It's my birthday!!!!
HOOFUCKINGRAY.
18. 18. 18. 18. 18.
IM LEGAL MOTHA FUCKAS!

When in Doubt, Scream and Shout.

Shit, my bad.  I lied.  I quit for two weeks.  Feel free to call me a hypocrite..
Honestly, you can call me whatever you want..
BUT, I have my reasons.

AHEM.

I use to smoke all day, erryday.  Now I only smoke when I want and with who I want.
There's a difference between getting high, and just wanting to be anything but sober.
Which is fucking ridiculous.
And besides, I was really getting tired of hearing the stereotypical..
You smoke weed? YOURE A POTHEAD AND A STONER AND YOU SUCK.
blehblehblehbleh..
People can be so cruel.

Have you ever thought about what you've said about someone?
Like, imagine how you would feel if someone said that about you?
I bet you haven't.

People like to talk on things they don't know about,
and you can learn A LOT about someone just by what they say about others..
Never be afraid to listen, your ears can't get you in trouble.
But opening your mouth?  I always try to bite my tongue.
Unless I fucking hate you.  But I try to make that clear to people.
Yeah, you know who you are.

ANYWHO. (:

If you're sensitive about religion, EXIT NOW.
If you're an American citizen and abide by the constitution and will allow me to continue with my freedom of speech and to practice my religious views freely, than feel free to read the following:

I don't believe in religion, but I believe there is a God.
I believe there is a greater power among us who has given us the gift of life.
I abide by the laws my Lord has set upon me,
Not the rules of a bias, judgmental establishment that has all ready disobeyed
God by allowing and causing wars amongst His people.  Fuck that.

If you do, good for you. I'm not cutting you down.

But I'm tired of being preached to.  Like come oooooooooon.
I GET IT.  Trying to brainwash me off of unstable "facts" will you get you nowhere.

Why is everyone so concentrated on trying to make everyone think the same?
You lose the originality, the creativity, the life, enthusiasm, and motivation
behind every different point of view.
If everything was a black and white blob, what good would that do?
I enjoy hearing everyone's stories, learning how people work, the
way they think, their motives.  Expanding your mind and learning different
theories is the reason for innovation.  Any move is caused by someone's reaction.
It's key.

Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you react.
You can disagree.  IDGAFOS.

I had to get this stuff off my chest.
Sorry bout it. <3333

WATCH THIS. 

Expand your mind.