I Wake Up Exhausted

Okay. I feel like I'm just floating.

It's a new year, I thought this would be it, ya know? New Year, a new start.

But everything's worse.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I thought this would be an easy escape from my parents and their divorce..
But it's like ever since the clock struck midnight, instead of fireworks and that over whelming feeling of bringing in the new year, my mood never shifted.
Like it just stood still.

The only feeling that stands out is indescribable.
I'm not sad, although I feel like I should be.
I'm not happy, although I feel like I should be.
I'm not mad, although I feel like I should be.
And I'm not surprise, although I feel like I should be..

No.
Instead I feel stuck.
It's like I'm not going anywhere.

Things couldn't get worse,
but could they get better?

I catch myself calling these people my friends, but do I even know them?
Do they know me?

We're so eager to catch anything that could provide us with the happiness we can't bring to ourselves.
But is that a good idea?
To depend on a stranger to fill such an overlooked yet demanding emotion?

It's instinct to only show people what you want then to see.
And that's when it gets scary.

Those pieces to the puzzle that come up missing. What do you do when you find a piece but it doesn't fit?
You can't just throw away something you've worked so hard to put together.
Do you try to make it work?
Do you keep pushing until you've forced it to fit?
Even if it doesn't make sense?
Even thought you know you'll never be satisfied with what you've created?

Those puzzle pieces, like secrets, define and create a picture you may or may not like. If you like it, you're obviously going to keep it.
But what if you don't like it?

Putting so much effort into something you end up despising makes you want to trash it anyways, simply out of frustration.
So why is it so hard to take it apart and leave?

It's natural to want to fix anything broken..
So when you can't it's natural to feel a cluster of feelings.
But at the same time, what was I expecting?

I barely know these people.
They barely know me.

Maybe it's okay to hide pieces of yourself, ya know?
Why not just accept the beautiful pieces and ignore the flaws?
You can't.
You never want to stop until you figure them out. And after ALL the effort, you have to decide to keep it or trash it.

I finished one of my puzzles..
I hate it.
So why is it so hard to throw it away?
I'm not losing anything but a fucking puzzle I can't even stand to look at.

This world, these people, all their emotions..
It's all so sick and twisted.
But for some reason I keep picking out new people.
I find their pieces, secrets are revealed and it all ends in the same downward spiral.

These people I call my "friends", always end up with hideous pieces and when you put it all together those pieces form this monster.
A person I never want to be.

So that's where I am, stuck.

I expect the pieces to turn up, I expect the pieces not to fit, I expect myself to hate the picture that will be revealed in the end.
So why do I keep forcing, bending, and twisting these pieces to fit in the way I want them to?

Because even with my low expectations, I still want to see that good in people.
I want to believe their intentions are good.
I like to pretend the devil inside doesn't exist..
And although that sounds like a positively happy perspective to have on my life and the people I choose to reside in it..
It's really not. Not when you're more wrong than right.
And when that disappointment starts growing, the more puzzles you throw away, the less "friends" you have.

No one likes to be alone.
I think that's why we bend the pieces and hesitate to trash the puzzle..

Even though you're not too fond of it, even though it hurts to look at.. At least it's there..
At least you're feeling something.
Even if you're stuck, it's something.

Pyro

So here I am, just creepin on my back porch smokin a sciggy.
I'm looking around my backyard, it's pitch black, but if you look up you can see the silhouettes of treetops creating a rigid line against the sky.

Intriguing, I know.

Anywho, I was thinking to myself.. I really can't see shit.
There could be some crazy critters or psycho serial killers just kickin it out there, ya know?
But I'm not scared. I wake up to this backyard every morning.
I find myself sitting in this same rocking chair almost everyday, in the same situation, staring at the same trees.  So why would I be scared?

I trust where I am.  I know this place.

That's when I started thinking.
Something some more people should try doing.
Anyways..

I started thinking, this is a lot like a relationship.
How you might ask? Keep reading.

I'm sure you've all found yourself in a relationship with someone where it's all rainbows and butterflies when you're together.. but once you're not it's like being in the dark.

You don't know what the other person's doing, who they're with, where they are.
It's too easy to lie these days. It's all about the trust. But everyone knows that.
No trust, no relationship.

Most people have their doubts bottled up in the back of their mind.
I do.  And I'm bad about trying to find a reason to make those worries real.
Why I do that to myself, I don't know.  But I'm working on it.

But back to my point..

When most people are afraid of the dark they turn on a light.
In a relationship everyone has their flashlight, but when do you know to turn it off?
When do you feel comfortable enough with a person to walk through the dark?
How do you know when you can trust someone enough to let them guide you even in the pitch black?

It's hard at first, always is.
But we've all done it.
I have a few times.

It's just getting to that point.
Giving someone your complete trust.
Looking someone in the eyes and being able to tell them everything.
Not worrying if it might be the truth but knowing it's the truth.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of every bad situation that could possibly happen.
Ya know, when you're by yourself and the only thing you have to do is think.
And then you find yourself thinking too much, too hard.

That's exactly what I was just doing and all of the sudden the most incredible thought I've had all night cam to mind.. to just stop.

The point is there is no way to ever know someone's every move, every thought, every conversation.
It's like one of the questions you'll never have an answer to, never a solution.
The only way to turn your flashlight off is to stop turning it on.

Trusting someone is scary. It's giving someone the potential to hurt you.

In reality everyone eventually hurts you in some sort of way, right?
It's finding the one's worth suffering for.

There are no guarantees, only risks.
But if you don't take those risks, how would you ever know?

In any situation, only oh wells and no what ifs.

Timestretch

I've never lost a close friend, but I've lost people who have made a difference in my life.  

It's amazing how little attention everyone give to some people til they pass..

People will talk about not taking life for granted for now, but in a few weeks, they won't even remember the promise they've made themselves.  It takes these incidents to make people realize how fragile our lives really are.  But until they can see the all the beauty in the world, they've learned nothing. Until you've lost someone whose appearance can change everything, you've lost nothing.  Until you can look at anything and appreciate everything about it, everyone will be taking their lives for granted.  

You must always work for a cause, not for applause.

Live life to express, not to impress.

Now just think about this..

You buy a cup of coffee.

Big bitch bumps into you.

COFFEE EVERYWHERE.

Don't lie, you're a little pissed off.

OH BUT HEY

Nice coffee man is going to give you another cup on the house.

Your morning? Totally turned around.

What if the nice coffee man wasn't there?

Did you even tell him thanks?

Better yet, did you tell him you APPRECIATE it?

Most people think they only have their friends and family to thank for how their lives have played out.  Do you know how wrong those people are?

When anybody does you a favor, put yourself in their shoes, would you do it for them?

Probably not if you all ready had to get someone else to do it for you.

Lazy ass. 

So when someone ask you to do something for them..  

Do it willingly.


When you ask someone to do something for you..
Why not a good ole' please and thank you.
What happened to manners anyways?


You know you notice when people don't say 'thank you' to you.
It pisses me the fuck off.

See, all anyone wants is to be appreciated, respected, and accepted.

I know you've all seen the "respect" everyone here has.

There is none.  People only strive off the stories behind you name.

No one takes time to get to know each other anymore.

If someone doesn't hold the proper title, there is no respect.

And you all know how it feels to be rejected.

It's probably the worst feeling in the world to be told you don't belong in someone's life.  

Who wants to feel that way? I don't.  I don't like it at all.

The least anyone could do is acknowledge and appreciate someone else's existence.

Not many people are willing to do someone a favor or give someone the time of day.. 

even if they could really use it.


Enjoy knowing you had the power to make someone smile,
you NEVER know what happens behind closed doors.


Look at me being sappy and shit.

Appreciate those who make your day a little bit easier.

I guarantee they would appreciate it too.

RIP Mike Thompson.  

A man who appreciated and did more for a community than asked.

A true inspiration and follower of God.

Hahaha.

Drunk off wine.
Fuck deep thoughts.
It's my birthday!!!!
HOOFUCKINGRAY.
18. 18. 18. 18. 18.
IM LEGAL MOTHA FUCKAS!

When in Doubt, Scream and Shout.

Shit, my bad.  I lied.  I quit for two weeks.  Feel free to call me a hypocrite..
Honestly, you can call me whatever you want..
BUT, I have my reasons.

AHEM.

I use to smoke all day, erryday.  Now I only smoke when I want and with who I want.
There's a difference between getting high, and just wanting to be anything but sober.
Which is fucking ridiculous.
And besides, I was really getting tired of hearing the stereotypical..
You smoke weed? YOURE A POTHEAD AND A STONER AND YOU SUCK.
blehblehblehbleh..
People can be so cruel.

Have you ever thought about what you've said about someone?
Like, imagine how you would feel if someone said that about you?
I bet you haven't.

People like to talk on things they don't know about,
and you can learn A LOT about someone just by what they say about others..
Never be afraid to listen, your ears can't get you in trouble.
But opening your mouth?  I always try to bite my tongue.
Unless I fucking hate you.  But I try to make that clear to people.
Yeah, you know who you are.

ANYWHO. (:

If you're sensitive about religion, EXIT NOW.
If you're an American citizen and abide by the constitution and will allow me to continue with my freedom of speech and to practice my religious views freely, than feel free to read the following:

I don't believe in religion, but I believe there is a God.
I believe there is a greater power among us who has given us the gift of life.
I abide by the laws my Lord has set upon me,
Not the rules of a bias, judgmental establishment that has all ready disobeyed
God by allowing and causing wars amongst His people.  Fuck that.

If you do, good for you. I'm not cutting you down.

But I'm tired of being preached to.  Like come oooooooooon.
I GET IT.  Trying to brainwash me off of unstable "facts" will you get you nowhere.

Why is everyone so concentrated on trying to make everyone think the same?
You lose the originality, the creativity, the life, enthusiasm, and motivation
behind every different point of view.
If everything was a black and white blob, what good would that do?
I enjoy hearing everyone's stories, learning how people work, the
way they think, their motives.  Expanding your mind and learning different
theories is the reason for innovation.  Any move is caused by someone's reaction.
It's key.

Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you react.
You can disagree.  IDGAFOS.

I had to get this stuff off my chest.
Sorry bout it. <3333

WATCH THIS. 

Expand your mind.

Just Sayin

Ahhhh!

So at this point, I'm trying my hardest not to rip my hair out.

All I feel like doing is bitching.  

Or possibly curling up in the fetal position, screaming adele songs at my cat, and eating my feelings.

But gaining 25 pounds and possibly getting my eyes scratched out doesn't sound like fun.

I'll stick with bitching.

Everyone has that one "friend" that just makes you think, "the fuck are you saying?" Like, WHY? But there is no explanation.  It's just a bunch of bullshit.  I hate bullshit.  

It's kinda like when someone lies over stupid shit.  Like, if you made plans with someone and they decided to do something else..  why not just say that?  Do you really think I care that much?  They could just be like, "Sorry bro, I think I'm just gonna hang out with so and so tonight."  But instead it's, "Uhh, I gotta take my grandma to the vet and pick up my sister from the zoo." 

OH.  Is that what you're going to do?  Take your fucking grandma to the vet?

I mean, no one's actually said that before..  But shit's possible.

I'd rather hear an ugly truth than a well dressed lie any day.  I mean, can you really get mad at someone for telling the truth?  No.  And if you do, you're a sensitive bitch that needs to work on your emotional problems anyways.  Lying just adds on to the problem. And it's SO much easier to remember the truth.  A lie can get you in some awkward, fucked up situations. And you didn't want to piss your friend off before?  Dude.  Shit just hit the ceiling.

And while I'm raging about the world..

You know what would be fanfuckingtastic?  Some good ole motivation and encouragement.

Everytime something pops out of my mouth, these fucking pessimistics come out of no where. 

FUCK OFF.

No one wants to hear your negative comments.  You're totally killing my mood. 

No one likes a party pooper.  Or you.

Yeah, take it.  It's not like you had anything better to say.  Just because you're unhappy you don't have to bring down the rest of the world.  Shit man, I'm just trying to kick it.  And you?  You're just being a bitch. 

I just don't understand.  Sometimes I get pissy, but I haven't had drama since I was a freshman.  How is screaming at people, making statuses about people, and telling people they're an ugly monkey looking mother fucker make anyone feel better?  Like, ouch.  You know you'd be crying your eyes out if you heard that.  Why do people have to cut everyone down so much? How is anyone satisfied with being that unhappy and completely destroying someone's self-esteem?  I mean yeah, you're not going to like everyone and everyone isn't going to like you.  Get over it.  You're never going to make it anywhere if that's how you deal with your problems.  Explain to me how it fixes anything?  What are you trying to accomplish?  You have better come backs? That MUST mean you're a badass mother fucker.  Yeah, no.  Now everyone just thinks you're a miserable bitch with no friends.  

You think if someone doesn't like someone else, they would just not talk to them..  Wouldn't you rather block people like that out of your life rather than cause a scene on the internet and let everyone know how fucking immature and ridiculous you are?  Because while you're trying to make the other person look dumb, you're just making yourself look more dumb. 

I wish everyone would just shut up.

Or even some kind of remote control with a mute button.

Or an eraser that can erases mouths.

Bahahaha.

...kidding. 

Okay, personally, I feel better now..

See how great telling the truth is? 

Happy Thoughts

So, I had a pretty shitty day lol. Don't get me wrong, it started off great. I went canoeing and shit with some really great friends. It was awesome until I was randomly accused of being mad at someone? Like I swear, people are great at coming up with assumptions in their heads and turning it into reality. But why would anyone wanna do that? Why would you WANT to come up with a reason to ruin the day? I'll never understand what God was thinking when he made people.

Anyways, some other unfortunate events followed afterwards. I even lost my keys, you can drive by the highschool now and see the G6 kickin it in the parking lot. But I mean what can ya do?

Tristin and I later went to my house, we decided to jump on my trampoline. Crazy, right? When's the last time you jumped on your trampoline? Mine's been rotting away for years now. While we were attempting to do all the tricks we had taught ourselves in middle school, all I could think about was how fucking fantastic my life was when all I wanted was a trampoline. Not a car, some fancy apple product, or $500 pair of jeans. Nope. Just something that I could jump around on. And when I got that trampoline, I was the happiest girl alive!

It's just amazing to me how hard it is to have a decent day. Ya know? It's like something always has to pop up and slap you in the face. Everything's gotten so complicated. The boy / girl you like doesn't want anything to do with you, you have zero gas and no money, your boss is a fucking psychotic bitch, your friends arent very good friends, or your parents are three nerves away from making you rip your hair out.

Like, GTFO.

But while all this shit is happening, we rarely notice all the good things we're surrounded by.

So even though my day went to shit, it was completely turned around by one phone call from Delaney, "Hey, wanna go to Florida tonight?" Umm, duh.

Sometimes I find myself asking God, why? Why me? What did I do wrong? But never, hey, thanks for these people. Thanks for giving me another day. Thanks for showing me the beauty in life. Ya know? I've been hiking, caving, walking through creeks, and canoeing within four days. And now I'm on my way to Florida?

Like daayuuummmm.
Jesus got my back.

My point is, even in the bad times take a minute and look around. Don't let one negative idea take over every positive influence. Even when you're feeling alone, I guarantee you're surrounded by support. And you'll be amazed by who will grab your hand when you reach out for help. For all the times you're feeling down, lift your head up and look towards God. He'll never put you in front of an obstacle that you can't overcome. Everything happens for a reason, He has a plan.

I hope you're all smiling.
I know I am.

FLORIDA BOUND BITCHES.

Doneski

Ya know it really sucks living in a small town, especially this one. It's like the littlest things make the biggest difference.  I stopped smoking weed.  It's an amazing feeling and I can't imagine a reason I'd start doing it again.. but damn, in such a short amount of time, I've learned so much about myself and the people I've surrounded myself with.


Since I've stopped, one of my friends have completely stopped calling me.  Like, now I have nothing to offer?  And another has completely ditched me to smoke weed.  People who smoke weed are constantly chanting, "I don't give a fuck."  You know why you don't give a fuck? Because THC releases dopamine indirectly as you're undertaking a behavior that's "pleasurable", which thereby activates the reward pathway in your nucleus accumbens.  Yeah, so maybe you're happy temporarily, but when you're not smoking your emotions are completely irrational.  You get easily agitated, aggravated, and upset. If you want to smoke, fine.  I really don't care.  But try to get your priorities straight.  That "pleasurable" feeling may suffice for 20 - 30 minutes.  But what about after that?  What about after all your weeds gone?  Yeah.  Get mad at me for making a valid point about the cons of smoking weed.  You're just being irrational.


And being this age, if you have a boyfriend, don't plan on having friends too.  Like, yeah..  maybe I'm not going to hug and kiss you and tell you how fucking beautiful you are..  But do you really need that constantly?  Like, shit. Get some self-confidence and hop off your boyfriends dick for a minute. 


BOYFRIENDS DONT LAST FOREVER.
If yours does, good for you.  but lets be realistic.
I won't believe you until I see a ring on that finger.
Yeah, Beyonce knows whats up.


Don't get me wrong, I've done it too.  Smoked too much weed, got lost in my relationship.  But you know what happened?  Heart broken and just pissed the fuck off.  Yeah.  It's really not worth it.  Relationships are if you know how to balance it out without pissing the world off.  Weed?  Not so much.  If you're not happy sober, what makes you think tricking your body into thinking you are is gonna make any fucking difference?  


It would be greatly appreciated to just meet some people who appreciate everything.  Not just the sac of weed you wasted $20 and a quarter of a tank of gas on.  Or just your boyfriend that will more than likely break your heart in a few months.  But instead appreciate the people who were there when the weed was all smoked or who actually made you feel better when your boyfriend started making you feel like shit.  Yeah.  Or maybe even appreciate the other things that make you happy.  Family, friends, God's works, your pet fish, or even that one channel on TV that never seems to let you down.  Maybe these things don't have as big of an effect on you, but I guarantee the happiness you get from these things last a lot longer than your boytoy and that skimpy ass blunt.


Sorry to be so negative.
Sorry if I offended anyone.
But sometimes shit needs to be said.
And sometimes I need to rage.


If youre happy, so be it.  Good for you.  Keep doin the damn thing.
But I bet you can find so much more if you would just stop and look around.


And for the record, I love my friends. 
And I apologize if this made you think differently.

Oh, shit. I can blog too.

Ummm..  The first blog is always so awkward. I feel like I need to break the ice.

I don't want to tell you about what I'm doing over Spring Break because even if you did read it, you probably wouldn't care.  I don't even care.  Quite frankly, I don't plan on doing shit over break.  So yeah, we just won't talk about that.

ANYWAYS.

I'm Mikayla.  I'll be able to go to bars and register to vote in about a month.  Crazy shit.  High school's almost over.  After high school, I'll be attending the University of Chattanooga.  I'm all ready in love with the school and the people there. Yay for me.  I cuss like a sailor, think like a boss, and act like a lady.  I'm a lover and a sinner.  What can I say?  I believe in God, not religion.  I've come to the realization I use to take a lot of things for granted.  And now, I try to appreciate mostly everything.  I wish I could hike everyday. And I'm a huge Bonnaroo enthusiast. 

YAAAAAAY IM SO EXCITING.

But seriously, I hate this town. And occasionally the people.  But mostly the town. 

Now that I've done the whole high school thing..  like, shit.  I'm so skeet on Tullahoma.

It's just a bunch of raging teenagers with huge egos and even bigger mouths. 

Honestly, it's terrifying.  These people will say anything and eat you alive.

Lots of crying, occasionally some blood, way too much homework.

You're judged, betrayed, pushed to your limit.  It's a lot like survivor..  

Except they win money.

We just get some kind of reputation that we don't even get a say in.  

Your peers choose that fate for you.  

But after that, somehow, you get a fresh start.  A new school, new classes, new people.

And I'm so ready to start something new. Ya feel meeee?

Lol, I sound sensitive.  Damn it.

I ramble a lot.

But now I'm done.