I Wake Up Exhausted

Okay. I feel like I'm just floating.

It's a new year, I thought this would be it, ya know? New Year, a new start.

But everything's worse.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I thought this would be an easy escape from my parents and their divorce..
But it's like ever since the clock struck midnight, instead of fireworks and that over whelming feeling of bringing in the new year, my mood never shifted.
Like it just stood still.

The only feeling that stands out is indescribable.
I'm not sad, although I feel like I should be.
I'm not happy, although I feel like I should be.
I'm not mad, although I feel like I should be.
And I'm not surprise, although I feel like I should be..

No.
Instead I feel stuck.
It's like I'm not going anywhere.

Things couldn't get worse,
but could they get better?

I catch myself calling these people my friends, but do I even know them?
Do they know me?

We're so eager to catch anything that could provide us with the happiness we can't bring to ourselves.
But is that a good idea?
To depend on a stranger to fill such an overlooked yet demanding emotion?

It's instinct to only show people what you want then to see.
And that's when it gets scary.

Those pieces to the puzzle that come up missing. What do you do when you find a piece but it doesn't fit?
You can't just throw away something you've worked so hard to put together.
Do you try to make it work?
Do you keep pushing until you've forced it to fit?
Even if it doesn't make sense?
Even thought you know you'll never be satisfied with what you've created?

Those puzzle pieces, like secrets, define and create a picture you may or may not like. If you like it, you're obviously going to keep it.
But what if you don't like it?

Putting so much effort into something you end up despising makes you want to trash it anyways, simply out of frustration.
So why is it so hard to take it apart and leave?

It's natural to want to fix anything broken..
So when you can't it's natural to feel a cluster of feelings.
But at the same time, what was I expecting?

I barely know these people.
They barely know me.

Maybe it's okay to hide pieces of yourself, ya know?
Why not just accept the beautiful pieces and ignore the flaws?
You can't.
You never want to stop until you figure them out. And after ALL the effort, you have to decide to keep it or trash it.

I finished one of my puzzles..
I hate it.
So why is it so hard to throw it away?
I'm not losing anything but a fucking puzzle I can't even stand to look at.

This world, these people, all their emotions..
It's all so sick and twisted.
But for some reason I keep picking out new people.
I find their pieces, secrets are revealed and it all ends in the same downward spiral.

These people I call my "friends", always end up with hideous pieces and when you put it all together those pieces form this monster.
A person I never want to be.

So that's where I am, stuck.

I expect the pieces to turn up, I expect the pieces not to fit, I expect myself to hate the picture that will be revealed in the end.
So why do I keep forcing, bending, and twisting these pieces to fit in the way I want them to?

Because even with my low expectations, I still want to see that good in people.
I want to believe their intentions are good.
I like to pretend the devil inside doesn't exist..
And although that sounds like a positively happy perspective to have on my life and the people I choose to reside in it..
It's really not. Not when you're more wrong than right.
And when that disappointment starts growing, the more puzzles you throw away, the less "friends" you have.

No one likes to be alone.
I think that's why we bend the pieces and hesitate to trash the puzzle..

Even though you're not too fond of it, even though it hurts to look at.. At least it's there..
At least you're feeling something.
Even if you're stuck, it's something.